Almost Daily Cat Haiku

Ever had to give a cat a pill? It’s ever so much fun. And if the cat in question is on the clever end of the cat personality spectrum, they learn pretty quick when pill time is and they become extraordinarily elusive. Finding them isn’t even the hard part. Once you locate the cat, you have to collect them in your arms, physically open their mouth, administer the medication, and then hold their mouth closed until they swallow it. This requires a minimum of four arms, which is more than most humans are typically equipped.

If you aren’t well versed in cat anatomy, allow me to educate you on the subject. In the mouth you are trying to hold open, cats have approximately seven hundred forty-six teeth. Each tooth is at least an inch long, serrated, and pointed like a hypodermic needle. At the end of each leg, is a paw containing retractable razor blades. While cats typically only display four or five of these lethal scalpels, hidden between the soft fur of their feet and the tiny toe-beans are no less than two dozen miniature scimitars. When cornered, cats will also reveal up to four additional legs you’ve never been aware of, each similarly adorned with pointy bits. All of these legs can be moved in every conceivable directions, and quite a few inconceivable ones that defy all known laws of physics. These automated defenses are deployed nanoseconds after medication of any type is detected, and the cat will engage all human flesh within range. Regardless of any physical violence incurred, any pilling operation has a mere 26.3% chance of success.

Once the mission concludes, in failure or success, a cat owner immediately regrets the action and must make amends. This may be difficult as you will now be bleeding profusely. Between applying pressure bandages and covering rended flesh with QuikClot®, you will need to provide the cat with seething piles of adoration and snacks. Before you can begin stitching up your lacerated forearms or reattaching severed fingers, you must shower your little fur-ball buddy with love and compassion. This will be difficult, because the cat is now hiding.

The good news is, this medicating must only be repeated once a day for a week. So there is a chance you will survive.

Hey! It’s Thursday! Take the garbage out and water the plants.